HOW TO PICK UP GURLZ!

Hey losers! A while back I posted a "charm school" album for girls, and now it's the fella's turn. From 2000 comes this curio:

"Pheremones are in the air ... and San Francisco's nationally known spoken word/music group the Apes of God have a new CD release, How To Pick Up Girls!. The bemused recital consists of twenty-six pick-up lines (fifty-two in total) from a 1970's book The Hundred Best Opening Lines, a manual for perplexed bachelors by Eric Weber. In the background, a piano solo from an jazz instructional ear-training tape hauntingly meanders up and down various modal and diminished scales to the lonely ticking of a metronome. Synthesizer noises gurgle and glissando deep in the sonic substratum, and are later re-edited into an eleven minute musique concrete sequence called Making Love The Right Way - suggested listening for the date won by the lines once thing settle into the comfort zone."

The Apes of God - "How To Pick Up Girls"

Let me know how it works, okay, studs?

I'm still kinda on summer vacation, but the requests you-all have been sending in will be met eventually: The "Music For Weirdos" series, the '60s Mexican garage comp "Ya No Hay Beatles," The Everyday Film...I'll get to 'em all, I swear.  And more 78rpm strangeness from Count Otto Black. Gotta give you something to look forward to in life, right?

L. Ron Hubbard & Friends "The Road To Freedom"

We interrupt our usual assortment of good music for this...this...well, it's a Scientology album, whaddya expect?  Clunky amateurish lyrics, horribly dated '80s wimp-pop that makes Toto sound like the Ramones, vocals by b-list actors, brothers of celebrities, washed-up child stars, never-made-its, a children's chorus, and John Travolta...yep, it's another musical pep rally/indoctrination tool from America's wackiest cult, with a truly jaw-dropping vocal from El Ron himself. If you've never heard one of these Scientology albums, you should check one out, at least once (in fact, once is probably all you'll be able to take!) to really experience how far over the edge seemingly sensible people can go. As Travolta sings: "Reality is me, reality is you, yeah yeah yeah..."

Listen with horrified fascination here:

 

The Road To Freedom

 

All songs written by L. Ron Hubbard.

1. The Road To Freedom (w/Frank Stallone, Leif Garrett, John Travolta)

2. The Way To Happiness (w/Leif Garrett)

3. The Worried Being (w/failed soul singer Amanda Ambrose in a laughable approximation of funk)

4. The Evil Purpose (w/Frank Stallone)

5. Laugh A Little (the sound effects get disturbingly psychotic; I'm pretty sure that was not the intention)

6. The Good Go Free (Bang yer head! This one "rocks 'n' rolls" like John Tesh trying to go heavy metal.)

7. Why Worship Death? (jazz/prog with Chick Corea; Julia Migenes unleashes hair-raising operatic vox that will send animals scurrying)

8. Make It Go Right

9. The ARC Song (w/a straining John Travolta really trying to, y'know, emote; and Karen Black)

10. L'Envoi/Thank You For Listening (w/L. Ron Hubbard)

 

Much thanks to ma main Thetan Rich, from KillUglyRadio!